Thursday, September 15, 2016

Shade it all away...Be strong!

"there is some good in this world, and it's worth fighting for"

Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you. It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothing is right. I'm tired of trying, sick of crying, I know I've been smiling, but inside I'm dying. Maybe one day it will be ok again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be ok again. When I was younger crying always seemed to be the answer. Now that I'm older crying seems to be the only option. I guess there comes a point where you just have to stop trying because it hurts too much to hold on anymore. You say I'm always happy, and that I'm good at what I do, but what you'll never realize is, I'm a damn good actress too. Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy. I don't necessarily want to be happy; I just want to stop feeling miserable. Sometimes it hurts more to smile in front of everyone, then to cry all alone. I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled. The one who could brighten up your day, even if she couldn't brighten her own. I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any of me left.

My life has this tendency to fall apart when I'm awake. I know what its like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; how you try to fit in but you can't; how you hurt yourself on the outside; to try to kill the thing that's in the inside. Even the people who never frown eventually break down. How can you understand me when I can't understand myself?I hate what I have become to escape what I hated being.There's no excuse for the need to take your own life away, everyone passes through some rough obstacles in life, just face them as they come along, there's always a way to overcome those obstacles, and learn from your experiences.If you can't solve it, it isn't a problem--its reality. And sometimes reality is the hardest thing to understand and the thing that takes the longest to realize. But once it hits you in the face you'll never forget it. It will always be there in your memories and sometimes that is the best way to look at it. It's funny the way you can get used to the tears and the pain. What do you do when you become too scared, too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared to love, too scared to even care?You can't just hug me and say it's okay because right now... it doesn't feel that way…Sometimes the littlest thing in life changes something forever and there will be times when you wish you can go back to how things used to be but you just can't because things have changed so much. I just wish I could roll back the clocks to when things were the same... then we were all just a bunch of crazy teenagers looking for a wild time. But now, thing aren't the same. Each of us has gone our different ways. We change, people change, things just change, and we aren't those crazy teenagers looking for a wild time anymore. We're teenagers looking for a person to love and a person to hug when we're in need.

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